Do you feel guilty? Always. Do you feel like you should be doing all of the jobs? Always.
I have said from the beginning that, I didn’t want a held baby and to be honest, I don’t really like a lot of people holding him all the time. I don’t mind a cuddle, in fact I encourage that, but put my baby down. He is so active he wants to be on the move not in anyone’s arms, even if the person holding him is mummy or daddy.
As a result, I have worked very hard to make sure he doesn’t become a held baby that needs to be rocked to sleep or a baby that needs to sleep in our bed. Having said that, the regressions don’t help. I find a little cuddle does put him to sleep a lot better. Sometimes it doesn’t work and it gets interrupted and I have to start the process all over again, or sometimes the only thing he will let me do is actually hold him. Well it’s sounds cute but the reality is – it’s hurts. Your back hurts, your arms hurts, your baby probably hurts being held too. You get no jobs done and you feel guilty. Yes, guilty. I am even writing this very blog while he is in my arms and my back is numb but you just have to get on with it. That’s the thing with motherhood, you just have to get on with it and all you ever see is the smiles and the cute photos posted all over the place. I would love to see more photos of reality, including the awkward sleeping positions you find yourself in at 2 am so your baby sleeps.
There must be a reason why he only wants to be in my arms today. I need to accept that and not fight it. I might be shattered and aching but he is frustrated himself, learning new skills, falling over and not understanding the big world he has entered. Maybe he just wants ‘Mumma cuddles’ and maybe all I need to do is cry silently as to not wake him up from my own pain of motherhood. Maybe I need to enjoy the moment because there are so many people out there who want to be mothers and they can’t.
I look at him sleeping and I feel relieved that he is resting, I look at him and think ‘Thank god I can rest as well’. But I find myself just staring at him because I’m in love with this little human that I get incredibly frustrated with. I stop and think, he is only a baby, he doesn’t know any different. However it takes a lot for me to take a step back and understand that and even longer to appreciate it to enjoy it.
What I do love, is when I eventually am able to hold him, because everyone else wants a turn, you get none of the rewards, just a lot of heartache. So when you get the cuddles you kind of have to take them for yourself, I mean at the end of the day you are the mummy and sometimes a baby just want their mum. I love the way he ever so slightly opens his eyes, just to make sure it is still you there holding him and the cute smile you get when they he is dreaming. Life is so hectic you don’t get to enjoy these moments because when they do come, they are taken away from you. I am his mummy and I want to set the rules and sometimes I want the cuddles. I grew him, took care of him and he loves me. He cries for me, calls for me and laughs with me. He is an extension of me and if I want cuddles, I want them!
Whilst writing this, it is a rare moment where I can stop and enjoy motherhood. The way he gives me a gentle touch with his tiny hands makes me smile with pride. The way he plays and works everything out, the way he shoots off like Usain Bolt when the door opens because to him, the best adventure could be the other side of that door and to me, I just want to contain him.
But most of all, I love my baby and I love that look he gives me as if to say, ‘Mumma, cuddles, please’.