I was asked today if I was okay? I think she instantly regretted asking me the question. However, she did leave and say “text me if you need a friend but make sure you have positive thoughts.”
My day most definitely wasn’t positive and it was one of my hardest days to date with both of them.
Why is it when you close the door to the outside world you still feel judged? Whether it’s by the stranger who delivers items to your house or your neighbour who thinks his comments are clever, but in truth, they are just unwanted.
Today, I raised my voice, I got annoyed, frustrated and upset and my first thought was… “Oh great, the neighbour will have an opinion”.
Sometimes, when I shut my door I just want to shut the world away, I want to have a few moments of peace so I can try to breathe. I don’t want to have to justify myself, answer questions or engage in conversation. I just want to sit quietly with my own thoughts in my head. Just the same as I want to head outside and put the rubbish in the bin, not talk about how my baby cries or if I am enjoying my time off, it’s not like I am on holiday and navigating my way through parenthood.
If anyone could see the way I am with my babies they would be shocked, sometimes I shocked myself. I can go from being the number one loving mum to wanting to run away in 5 seconds. I can go from buying new toys to wanting to throw the whole lot in the bin. It’s like I have this switch inside me that only comes out behind closed doors. I can go from laughing and playing to rocking fighting back the tears. I understand it is all about the journey but oh my sin;t it hard?
I literally erupted like a volcano that has been building up for years and I explode because I can’t keep anything under control. I push away anything that has meaning to me and all that is left is devastation from my behaviour. Behaviour that I believe has stemmed from having children, not having the right support around me in terms of health care professionals and my return to work after my son. Words can not describe how that time in my life changed me for the worse, it made me doubt everything about myself. My ability to parent, have a career, be a wife and be happy. It damaged in such a way it is already affecting me now with the thought of returning after baby number 2. I just hope kindness is shown to me.
Unfortunately, what happens behind closed doors is no longer private because the walls are thin and everyone can hear you and everyone feels they are entitled to have an opinion on your life.
Never stop asking one another if they are okay, they may look like they are holding it together and they are picture-perfect mum on the outside but inside they may be fighting a lot of demons – please never judge one another.