It finally arrived, I returned back to work this week. I was slowly (and I mean slowly) preparing myself for the day by trying to be positive. I got the lunches ready the night before and I even got dinner prepped too. I packed both my bag and my son’s bag ready for his day at nursery. I felt good about his first day away from me as I returned back, however I felt nervous not knowing what to expect walking back into an office I spent 16 years being a part of.
The drop off for my son was pretty straight forward, a few standard tears from him but he was soon distracted by breakfast. I made a quick getaway and headed to work.
First day nerves were really kicking in. I arrived early and sat in the car. My mind was racing trying to figure out what it was I was returning to and the only thing I was thinking of was what my son was doing away from me.
I entered the building and made my way back up to the office. No one was really around and I spent most of my day just sitting around as I had no work to get stuck into, it was hard, it was emotional. I had a million thoughts racing through my head. Every single one of them was going back to my son and wishing I was with him and thinking of the money I was wasting on nursery fees when I was sat with nothing to do. But to put a positive spin on everything, I loved picking him up at the end of the day and seeing his smile.
The next day was a lot harder for me, my first day back didn’t go to plan, there were a few hiccups on my first day. I was hoping it would get easier. How wrong was I? I dropped the little man off to the nursery and as I handed him over, I started crying. They all thought it was because I was worried, but I knew he would be happy and safe, it was my emotions going into overtime and my uncertainty of returning back into the office again. But I left and headed to work.
East, Sleep, Repeat …. Comes into mind. Day two was just a repeat of day one but with a lot more emotions, a hell of a lot more anxieties and re-learning my role.
Having said all of that, the love I received from my son when I collected him and the smiles and hugs just put everything into perspective. I am doing this for him and I want to enjoy the time we have together because let’s face it, we will only have 18 summers before he realises he is too old for us and 18 Christmas’ together before he becomes an adult. I want to enjoy these, we have already used one, and I want to give him so many experiences and give him everything. #workingmumguilt is very much there in every moment. I do what I can for him to make his life that little bit better. If that means I have to work through my worries and my anxieties, I will. If that means I attend more counselling for myself, I will.
I want to be the best for him and for my family, so this #workingmumguilt just needs to be managed and understood. Not only do I have to put him first, but I need to make sure I look after my own mental health too.