“Anxiety is a feeling of unease, such as worry or fear, that can be mild or severe. Everyone has feelings of anxiety at some point in their life – for example, you may feel worried and anxious about sitting an exam, or having a medical test or job interview.”
What does it mean to you? To me, it’s the photo that comes with the post, it means the uncertainty of motherhood, the fear of judgment, the silent cries when no one else is around. I have always been the type of person who would look after others before myself. This hasn’t changed since having my Chunoo, in fact, I put him above everyone and anyone’s need. I have suffered from some form of anxiety ever since I can remember. However, recently it has got a million times worse for me. You might think me looking moody, distant or removed is just me being difficult, no it isn’t, it is me trying to breathe through the current moment. You might see me crying (again), it isn’t a “there she goes again”, in fact, it is a moment where I just wasn’t strong enough for that split second.
Anxiety, fear, uncertainty, tears and being afraid should be spoken about because one thing I know is, I am a first-time mum that really doesn’t know what she is doing. My anxiety levels are through the roof, but you know what, I am finding the courage to get through each day and each day isn’t as hard as before. Everyday I have to work on myself and writing these blogs helps so much. I find sometimes just sitting and reflecting helps me, distracting myself helps me, starting my hashtag #giveyourself5minutesaday has helped me. It a simple thing to do and ever since I have been doing it, it does make it easier but doesn’t take away from the countless creams I have to use to keep the effects of my anxiety under control.
Don’t fear motherhood, or yourself. Ask for help. Take time for yourself. You are the best person you can be for your little baby. Remember to enjoy motherhood, I think that is by far the hardest thing to do.
I hope that one day my fears and nervousness will disappear and I am confident enough to step outside and be the best version of me.
I talk about fear a lot, but what the real reason for the photo with all of the medication and creams is because of my anxieties, mine incredibly include scratching myself so much that my scars are worse than my c-section scar. In fact, I love my c section scar. I read the other day it is a door to life and I love that, but then why do I scratch so much? Is it stress? Is it worry? Is it that word fear again? I don’t know the answer. But what I do know is I don’t want to look or feel this way anymore. I don’t want to pay £9 per box of medication when my son turns one! That one photo would cost me £63, let’s take a moment and look at sum 63 pounds who has that type of money, that is a baby class for a term, that is a nursery for the day, that is a week’s worth of food shop, that is a month worth of activities. Lets stop and talk about anxieties – Why am I anxious? To be honest, I don’t know. Maybe it is the uncertainty and stress of motherhood and competitive nature of it, the pressure from media and our peers to be a better mum. The pressure from health professionals not addressing emotional wellbeing or maybe first time mums, second or even third-time mums just need a little more time and support. Maybe we just need to help each other.
Do me a favour. When you are out and about on your own or in a group, say ‘hello’ to a fellow mum. Ask how she is doing, because that might have helped me not to scratch the scars all over my body.
Remember you are not alone.